A Change of Heart: The Amazing Power of Forgiveness

By Kitty Chappell

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

~Lewis B. Smedes

“I don’t care what you say. I will never forgive my parents!”

Tears pooled in the eyes of the well-dressed young woman who had waited patiently to speak to me following my presentation.

“As an only child of wealthy parents, my every need was met except what I needed most—hugs, praise, and love. My childish mind decided it must be because I didn’t deserve love, so I tried to earn it. I over-achieved, excelled at everything, until now I’m the youngest attorney in my office. Yet I still haven’t heard the words, ‘We love you, honey, we’re so proud of you!’ I guess I’ll never be good enough.”

Tears ran down her cheeks. “Robbing a little child of something that would have cost them nothing to give is unforgivable!” She hurried away before I could respond.

I had spoken on the subject of forgiveness for years and had heard countless heartbreaking stories. For some reason, this one touched me deeply and stirred past memories of my own. I recalled a time decades earlier when someone had challenged me to forgive.

Angry tears blurred my vision that day on the church steps when an older woman asked, “Kitty, have you forgiven your father?”

At that moment, my father awaited transport to the state prison for premeditated attempted murder of my mother. My mother had miraculously survived his numerous blows to her head with a claw hammer—her punishment for trying to escape with us children.

Had I forgiven my father? What an insensitive thing to ask! I was still outraged that he had received only three and a half years sentence for his horrible crime! Glaring at her, I snarled “I’ll never forgive him!”

My father, well respected in our community, had warned us to never tell anyone what he did in our home and never try to leave. “If you do,” he threatened, “I’ll kill you all and then plead temporary insanity. Believe me, I’ll never be convicted.”

That woman’s question had merely refueled my reasons for hating my father. Flashbacks covering 20 years of abuse and terror—my wounded mother not expected to live, the recent courtroom drama of humiliation and injustice—swept over me anew.

At the trial, the defense portrayed my father as a “kind family man.” When he took the stand, I wondered what he could say in his own defense. We listened in shock as my father lied to a packed courtroom, dramatically describing his so-called heartbreak over discovering that his wife and older daughter were, he alleged, ‘prostitutes’. His award-winning performance won him a minimum sentence. My heart shattered. It was so unfair!

Touched by my renewed memories, I watched as the tearful young woman exited. I collected my materials, said goodbye to the event leaders and walked to my car. Before starting my long drive home, I stopped at a small café to unwind. The aroma and taste of the hot latte soothed my senses and I slowly relaxed.

What if I had never had a change of heart and not done the very thing I swore I’d never do—forgive my father? I’d likely just be another bitter person, shaking my fist at God for the bad hand life had dealt me.

Deciding to forgive my father had definitely changed the course of my life, but, what a battle! After his imprisonment, I thought I’d be free of my father, but I wasn’t. My bitterness kept me chained to him constantly without hope of escape. And, strangely, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget that woman’s question to me on the church steps.

When I argued saying my father didn’t deserve forgiveness, she agreed. “But don’t you deserve the freedom forgiveness brings?”

“I’m not the one in prison,” I snapped.

After arguing back and forth, I finally demanded, “Just who, in his right mind, would expect me to forgive my father?

She answered softly, “God.”

The following months I battled depression, irritability, and stress, with developing stomach problems. Was I getting an ulcer? Something else I could blame on my father!

One night, I suddenly thought. I’m sure my father isn’t suffering in prison because I won’t forgive him. I’m sure he’s sleeping well! I’m the one who is suffering!

Maybe it would be best for me to forgive my father. But how could I when my heart demanded vengeance?

I’d always heard forgiveness is a sign of weakness, but that isn’t true. It requires great strength—strength I didn’t have. So I went to Jesus, who promised in the Holy Bible (Matthew 7:7) “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

So I prayed. “God, I’d like to forgive my father, but I have a problem—I don’t want to. But I really want to want to! Will you please put a tiny desire in my heart to want to forgive him so I can?”

I prayed that daily.

A month later, I’d not even been thinking about my father when one day suddenly I was overwhelmed with a desire to forgive him! Where had that come from? Then I remembered my prayer—God had answered it. All I had to do now was keep my promise. So, I whispered, “I forgive you, Dad, for everything.” My bitterness vanished and I was free!

I smiled as I drained the last sip from my cup before leaving. Had I not broken my chain of bitterness, I would have never embarked upon my thirty-plus-year journey as an international speaker and award-winning author on the subject of forgiveness. All made possible because half a century earlier I had a change of heart and forgave my father.

My hope now was that the young woman who spoke to me today would also have a change of heart, gain strength to forgive her parents and move on to do greater things in freedom.

(Based in Arizona, USA, Kitty Chappell is an award-winning non-fiction author and international keynote speaker who has authored three books and appeared on U.S. television and radio talk shows. Her three books are:

1. Friendship, When It’s Easy and When It’s Not

2. Good Mews – Inspurrrrational Stories for Cat Lovers (all true stories about her cats.)

3. Soaring above the Ashes on the Wings of Forgiveness, which is her true-life story and is now in six languages.

For more information about Kitty Chappell, see her website www.kittychappell.com)