How Different Things Might Have Been!

Tozy (name changed), who is an old man now, has spent much of his life living in fear, with his fears taking different forms and shapes over the years. From as far back in childhood that he can remember, it has almost always been this way for him.

Tozy grew up in mortal fear of his parents, with whom he had an extremely ambivalent relationship. His mother could be very loving at times, but she was a strict disciplinarian and could easily fly into a rage and curse and beat him even for something so small as not keeping his bookshelf neat enough by her exacting standards.

For his part, Tozy’s father seemed to think that his parental responsibility towards Tozy was limited simply to arranging for adequate material provision for him so that Tozy cannot remember having had a single joyful extended conversation with him in all their years together, nor even receiving a hug or a word of affection or encouragement from him. Unsurprisingly, Tozy grew up greatly resenting his father. He also feared him, for while the man generally remained aloof from Tozy, there was no knowing when he might suddenly lose his temper at him.

At the all-boys’ school Tozy was sent to, things were not at all different. Tozy recalls only a few teachers who were kind towards him and took an interest in his development. Many of the others were indifferent. One of them was a sadist, who seemed to take malicious delight in beating the boys for even small supposed misdemeanours.

As a mild, reclusive and sensitive child, for Tozy to have to mix with his boisterous, and sometimes aggressive, classmates was sheer torture. Very soon, he became the target of vicious ragging at school at the hands of a bunch of bullies. He began hating school, constantly fearing when the bullies might attack him next. He was just six or seven years of age then and already his life was racked with fear. This was only to get much worse as the years went by.

Things might have been different had there been someone in Tozy’s life then whom he could turn to for help and guidance. You might have thought that he could have spoken to his parents about what he was going through at school and that they could have sorted the issue out with the school authorities. But no! Tony didn’t utter a word to them about what was happening. He was just too ashamed to do that, as if his being bullied at school was a crime that he had himself committed. Somehow, for a reason he is unable to explain even to himself, he felt his parents would think it was his fault, that it was a serious wrong that he had himself committed, and that, therefore, they might punish him for it. In any case, his relations with his parents, even at that young age, were so distant, frail and fraught with fear that not once did it cross his mind that he could tell them what he was then facing. Perhaps he felt that they just wouldn’t care even if they knew. And so, he kept it all to himself, carefully concealing his anguish and somehow managing to scrape through what had become the almost daily torture of going to school. This was to set a regular pattern for him as the years unfolded, till at last, when things got so unmanageable, he thought he might completely lose his mind and then urgently sought help. He was faced with an almost full-blown neurosis.

This sorry predicament might easily have been avoided had Tozy and his parents enjoyed a healthy, loving relationship. In that case, Tozy’s parents might have made it a point to tell him that if ever he faced a problem, be it at school or elsewhere, he must unhesitatingly share it with them and together they could work on a solution. In this way, he would have been confident in his parents’ backing, certain of their help if and when he needed it. But his parents did not bother to do any such thing. Even worse, their attitude and behaviour towards him had made him so fearful and distrusting of them that not once did he think that he could share his troubles with them and that they might care to help solve them. Being bereft of a firm assurance of his parents’ interest in his life beyond providing for his material needs, fear thus overtook Tozy almost completely when he was still a little child, marring him for much of the rest of his life.

How different things might have been for Tozy if only his parents had related with him from infancy onwards in a manner that inspired full confidence in them so that he could share his joys and, even more, his fears, with them. Had his parents only told him this, even just once: “Child, if ever you face a problem that you can’t handle on your own, you must share it with us. We assure you of our love and concern for you. We’ll be there to support and help you, and together we can handle the problem, no matter what it is”, what a huge difference it might have made to his life! Saying these words would have taken Tozy’s parents hardly a minute of their time, but it might have saved Tozy almost an entire lifetime of being ridden by fear.

In Tozy’s story there is an important lesson for parents:

Parents, please relate with your children with love, not fear, and as friends whom your children can instinctively trust so that they instinctively and unhesitatingly turn to you if they face any pressing problem, knowing that you can help them. Make them feel that in such a situation, they can be sure that you will assist them, not condemn them. Make them know, clearly, in words, that you are there for them and that they should share with you any concerns they may have and that they will receive your loving support in handling them.