The Perils of Unsolicited Advice

By Roshel

She was most upset with her father. Despite all her efforts, he simply refused to pray. One day, she pleaded with him, “Father, you are old now—in your late 80s—and who knows when God will be called back? It could be any day! All these years, you haven’t bothered about God at all. At least do that now—before it is too late. You spend so much time drinking, partying, going to the club, chatting with your friends on the phone, watching rubbish on TV and reading trashy novels but you don’t spare even a minute for God. Isn’t that awful! Why don’t you listen to me? I’m so tired of telling you—for your own good! You don’t want to land up in Hell for ignoring God all your life, do you?”

Her father, who was in a sour mood that day, lost his temper. “You mind your own business!” he barked. “Don’t you interfere in my life! Who are you to order me about, smart aleck? Don’t tell me what to do! I will do as I want! If you want to stay in this house, you better keep shut!” Saying that, he poured himself a big glass of brandy to calm down.

She was shocked, and also deeply pained, by her father’s reaction. That event marked a major turn in their relationship. She stopped telling him to think of God and to pray. In fact, they hardly spoke at all now.

She was sad that their relationship had taken this turn but she felt there was nothing she could do to make things better. Her father seemed so wedded to his ways, and so adamant in refusing to think of God and to pray, that she had lost all interest in trying to make him see sense.

One day, she sat by herself and let her mind wander. Her mind travelled to some of the many other people whom she had given well-meaning, although unsolicited, advice, in recent years. She had advised her mother to be more careful with spending. She had advised a friend of hers to avoid getting entangled with a man whom she disapproved of. She had advised her sister to avoid wasting time on the phone and to be more focused on her studies. She had told her brother that he really ought to stop smoking. She had advised a colleague at work to dress modestly. She had advised a neighbour to stop throwing unwanted food into the garbage-bin—he could give it to the street dogs instead, she had suggested. And so on. In all of this, she was sincerely concerned for other people’s well-being. Yet, none of these people she had given her unasked-for advice had acted upon it. In fact, in many cases, it had led to a souring of relations. Some of those she had advised had got irritated with her and told her to mind her own business. Some had even stopped talking to her.

Her advice to others, she reflected, had been very well-intentioned. It was impelled by a sincere concern for their well-being. It was genuinely meant for their own good. But in terms of results, in almost all cases, her advice had turned out to be completely useless! Almost no one had taken it seriously and acted on it. In fact, in most cases, her action had proven counter-productive: it had marred relations and stirred bitterness, and those whom she had advised to change continued in their ways, just as before!

“Oh my! What a massive waste of precious breaths—all that well-meant advice I gave people! Maybe I should have minded my own business and kept shut and let them do as they wanted!” she said to herself. “I don’t think I’ll give advice to anyone again, unless they ask me for it.”

As she mulled on the issue, it struck her that most people just did not like other people telling them what to do. She thought of herself and realized that she was actually no different. There had been many times, she remembered, when she had got upset with someone when they told her to change some aspect of her behaviour, to do this and not that, and so on. She had taken their advice as an unwarranted intrusion, an unwanted imposition—and how she hated that! It was as if she was incapable of thinking for herself and needed someone else to do it for her. She could now understand why many people whom she had given advice to without their asking her for it had felt the same way.

There were also times, she reflected, when faced with a dilemma, she had sought guidance from someone and had acted upon their advice, knowing it was for her own good. There were also times when a well-meaning person had noticed an aspect of her behaviour that was not wholesome and had gently made her aware of it. In such instances, she knew that their advice was meant for her improvement and she had gratefully accepted it. But on many other occasions, when others sought to advise her without her asking them to, she took it as unacceptable interference in her life, or even as a condemnation of herself. On such occasions, she had reacted with irritation, and sometimes, even anger—just as her father had when she had repeatedly advised him to pray! She could now understand her father’s reaction, although she was still firmly convinced that her father’s ways were wrong and were harmful, to him more than anyone else.

She now knew the perils of unasked-for advice. In the future, she decided, if someone asked her for advice, she would give it. In case she felt someone was doing something that was not good for themselves or others, she might draw their attention to the matter gently, in manner that suggested a concern for their welfare. But, on the whole, she thought, she would advise others only if she felt it very necessary. She had learnt from bitter experience how it is that few people cheerfully accept and act upon unasked-for advice—even if it is inspired by a concern for their own well-being—and now knew that she ought to give it only very sparingly.